Guilt - The Gift That Keeps on Giving

The meaning of guilt..."Remorseful awareness of having done something wrong."
What chance do I have on the GUILT SCORE CARD, if there is such a thing?

I'M A CATHOLIC.  A lot of rules, taught by the good nuns and priests...I'm grateful every day that faith played such a big role in my upbringing but.....   In high school, I was a fan of hiking the old uniform skirt up, as a lot of the girls were.  We'd wear them that way until we got caught.  Then as soon as the good Sister was out of sight, up they went again.   And make-up?  Somedays, I went to school looking like a clown and on my worst days, like "the happy hooker". I was aware that I was doing something wrong... But remorseful?  Only when I look at my old high school photos NOW!

I'M A MOM. Did I feed them the right stuff when they were young?   (What was wrong with sugared cereals and chocolate whole milk back then?) Should I have checked on what they were doing more?  (To this day, when we're all together, I learn more and more of things I was clueless about.  Parties when we were gone?  Not MY boys!  Naive Woman!)  Should I have worked harder with them on that Math homework?  (I'm not that strong in Math and it's genetic, isn't it?). Guilt comes with the Mom territory, doesn't it?

I'M A DAUGHTER. When I was sneaking around during my high school years, were my folks really that blind?  Or just very tolerant?)   Should I have paid more attention to their advice?  ("Pay yourself first, in savings... then you can spend." Or "Gossip and mean words are like cutting open a feather pillow in the wind.  You can never get all the feathers back"). Did some of the dumb stuff I did back then disappoint my parents more than they let on? (There was a stage in which I was pretty good in that area.)

Yep, I'd say there's plenty of guilt for this old girl.  But as I mentioned before, I'm a Catholic and we have such a thing as "Confession"... Think I should be heading there, right about now, heh?

A Thin Line

They say that it's a thin line between genius and insanity.  Sadly,  that's probably as close to genius as I'll ever get. 

 Yes... I'm on the other side of that line, for sure.  I have issues and claustrophobia is one of them.  Not sure why or when it started... Did my sister and her best friend lock me in a closet years ago?  Was I held under water by some of the bratty boys at the swimming pool?  I don't know but my fear of enclosed spaces is always in the back of my mind and I'm getting tired of it.

Elevators, airplanes, caves...those have been triggers for years.   If I HAVE  to take an elevator, I have to be right in front of the door.  Don't ask me to move to the back of the elevator!- cuz I'm not moving!  If I am flying, that little overhead fan better keep running, because if that airflow stops, someone's going to get arrested.  And caves?  At a museum trip, when the boys were little, we were welcomed with a cave entrance.  Hubby and the boys took off, I entered, gave it my best shot and ended up, forcing my way back out,  pushing little kids and their parents out of my path to fresh air.  Kind of like a salmon going the wrong way in the spawning season.

I guess some health events lately, have me thinking, more than ever, that I need to seek treatment for my "condition". It's probably time to get help when MRI's have  you more upset about the procedure than the possible outcome.   I was once told that I would be the first person, in the history of the hospital, to require a sedative for an ankle MRI!  Not a fan of that tube!  Maybe it goes back to seeing those "iron lungs" that were used to treat polio when I was a kid that have me spooked.  Who knows?

And movies?  If there is a grave, a submarine, or a spaceship featured, hubby can go alone!  No thanks!  And that's terrible, isn't it? 

If anyone has any ideas on how I can conquer my fear of enclosed spaces, I'm open to anything, short of becoming a druggy.  The name of a good therapist, maybe?

Or perhaps I should just embrace my condition....after all, I'm almost a genius!.

Things I Wouldn't Know Without The Internet

I have never been a voracious reader...never had the patience to sit still the time it would take to read a book.  Not proud of that but that's the way it is.  That's why I'm a fan of the internet.  I know that a lot of it's garbage.  A lot if it's mindless minutia, of little use, to most people.  But, it's quick and with the touch of a finger, there are things online that you can't find anywhere else. I hit on some gems that I wouldn't know, were it not for the world wide web.  

I now know....

That "A sloth lives upside down and on the edge".  Yeah, so do I!  Many days, things are topsy turvy around here and going out on the edge is an attractive option.

That there are women who have unhealthy "home images", much like some women's "body image" issues.  Puleeze!  There are women who think that spending money, way beyond their means, to furnish their homes,  makes a difference in the way they're viewed?   I knew that and would ask "How will you look in the poor house, darlin'?   I can only handle one kind of image issue at a time, so leave my home out of it!

That "Liz Taylor had seven husbands and 8 marriages."  If she didn't get it right the first time or even the second time, why keep going?  She pretty much spent her entire lifetime, breaking new husbands in.  Except the time she remarried the same guy (Richard Burton) twice!  Sounds exhausting, doesn't it?  

That "substituting honey in what you would normally use sugar can help you lose three pounds a week".  They then add on the need to cut out refined carbs, go totally without carbs for one day a week and fill up on fruits and veggies.  Why must there always be these kinds of addendums?  Why can't the honey swap be enough?  If I could do all this, I wouldn't need to eat honey or, for that matter, lose weight in the first place!

That "Hawaii is one of the "hot spots" -one of the most desirable destinations- in 2014".  Do I look stupid?  I'm sitting here, looking out at my snow-covered lawn, 8 degrees on the thermometer, and I don't know that?  Anything with sunshine and a temperature over 50 degrees would be a "hot spot" in MY book!

Speaking of which, maybe I should start reading them, heh?

Focus, Woman, Focus!

I certainly hope I'm not the only one who is finding, as the years tick by, that I'm losing more and more of my daily focus.  It'd be funny if it wasn't so darn time-wasting!

I can start out in the kitchen, loading the dishwasher, look out the window, see some leaves and go out and rake...before the dishwasher is loaded!  Or I can be carrying laundry to the bedroom, look in the mirror, as I pass the bathroom, and end up plucking my eyebrows...laundry now the furthest thing from my mind. Or changing the dog's water and stacking the water bowl over the food one - and then spending four hours looking for the mysteriously absent food bowl?   And I've noticed too, If I'm working on the computer, I jump around from site to site and forget what I'm looking for when I get there.

I've become a big note writer...to myself.  If I'm leaving the house, I have to list, in order, the places I intend to visit.  If I don't make that list, chances are good that one of my stops will be passed up.

What is going on?    I'm blaming it on keeping track of kids' and hubby's schedule for years and all the minutia I've held onto for so long.  There's no room in my head for current stuff any more, like how to finish a task, without distraction.

This exercise in writing, I hope, helps me with my focus....trying to organize thoughts, come up with words...oh, wait a minute...those drapes need straightening.....

The Demise of Home Ec

Is there such a thing as "home ec" in our schools today or did that domestic training  go by the wayside?

Home economics, for those who don't know, was a class that was offered to young ladies in the 60's and 70's, to prepare them to be wives and mothers.  At least, that's the spiel I gave my folks when trying to talk them into letting me take the class.  Really, it was a "filler" for those who weren't motivated to take a third year of Spanish...or Biology... or phys ed.   That would be ME!   Oh, who was I kidding?  It sounded like a fun and easy grade!

I remember the classroom like it was yesterday.  Autumn gold appliances lined the room and state of the art (for their day) sewing machines were in the middle of the classroom.  This was going to be great!

First up was the sewing part of the course and one of our first assignments was to make a skirt.  I remember going shopping for fabric with my Mom and I found what I thought looked very "Bobbie Brooke-ish".  A sharp plaid...  We found a pattern and I was all set!  How hard was this going to be?  If you've read my other posts, you know I don't like directions and that's what patterns are...directions.  And I guess I thought I was some kind of designer, like Vera Wang or something.. I didn't need any help.  "I've got this..."

Well, I can't even describe how shoddy this skirt turned out!  No one told me plaids had to match up on the sides, that zippers were extremely difficult to insert and hemming  took precision.   My Mom, an accomplished seamstress (she made my wedding gown) must have been so disappointed in me.

 Our teacher announced that we were going to have a style show to model our wares.    I begged for and was given a second chance.  Now, my Mom wasn't about to invest any more money on my sewing so we went to her fabric box, in search of a remnant.  We found one - not to my liking but what could I say?  I'd ruined a beautiful piece of fabric already.   This remnant was olive green, with these chennille-like tufts, almost like upholstery material.  When I voiced my displeasure, there was no discussion...only Mom's offer to help me with this one.

This second attempt was at least a little more presentable than the first.  Not the Bobbie Brooke-look I was going for but, at least, recognizable as a skirt!   I don't remember who the audience even WAS for our "style show"...maybe students from the other classes.  I don't know.  I just know it was a long walk down that short runway...  Lesson learned?  If you don't want to parade around, in front of your peers, looking like a sofa, quit being a screw-off, pay attention and follow directions!

I'm pretty sure that,  if home ec is no longer a high school elective, sorry performances, like mine, may have been a contributing factor to its demise.  Sure, today's young women can learn to sew---probably just by going on-line-- but they'll miss out on the memories, the lessons and the laughs I got out of home ec.

Where Am I?

Where Am I?

I'm directionally challenged.   Maybe it's because  I don't pay attention when directions are given.  Maybe I fail to focus once I'm en route.  Maybe I don't care about following directions because I'd rather forge my own way.  

Take Kool Aid for instance.  Hubby has joked for years that when the boys were young, the Kool-Aid in our house never tasted the same twice because I didn't follow the directions.   And car trips?  I have, more than once, tearfully asked a gas station attendant how to get back on track!   GPS  technology has been a blessing  but that grouchy old woman's voice still says "recalculating" waay too much!

Directions are confusing to me, okay? Turn left, turn right, one cup of sugar or two...in the end, I'll get there.  But in the future, if you see a gal, fitting my description, wandering aimlessly and apparently lost, please don't give her directions.  

You'd better take her by the hand and lead her home.

Tick,Tock....

 Tick tock, tick tock....time is flying, with almost breakneck speed! I have always heard that the older you get, the faster it goes, and I know others my age would say that is absolutely true! When I'm in a pensive mood, I wonder --- if I could go back in time, what would I do differently?

I would try to seize the moment more. To quote Erma Bombeck, "Think of all the women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart!" I'd not have dwelt on my weight so much. Looking back on old photos, I wish I was as "fat" now as I thought I was then. 

I'd have worn the the beautiful earrings my husband bought me, more often. I was afraid I'd lose them so there they sat - in my jewelry box! 

I wouldn't have worn high heels so often. What was I thinking, as a young Mom, wearing them with jeans? And to football games? Good Lord!

I'd have worn, more often, the perfumes, colognes, and nightgowns I'd been saving for special occasions. Shouldn't every day ( and night) be considered special?

I'd have spent more time with the "old-timers" in my life. They had some wisdom, I'm sure, that I could be using right about now. Plus, they would've felt needed... not a bad thing, I'm finding, at this stage.

I'd have heeded my parents' warnings about standing up straight. I was 5'9 and did I really think slouching made me shorter?   With the shrinkage that's come with aging, I'm getting my wish, anyway.

I wouldn't be so concerned about what others thought....about just about everything.

I would've read more. I've been a magazine reader, so for current matters, I'm good. But books are where the real knowledge is and my horizons would've been broadened, for sure.

I'd be more open-minded. I've been pretty rigid all these years and in this world, I'm finding, you have lighten up some.

I don't want anyone to think I'm full of regrets. My life has been a good one --it really has been--- but how would my feet be feeling now if I'd have stuck with flats?

Winter Fun... An Oxymoron?

When did I start disliking winter so much?  Is it because now these old bones feel the cold and respond with creaks and aches?  Is it because the thought of flying down a hill on a piece of wood doesn't hold any charm anymore? Is it that driving on ice and snow isn't my idea of a good time? (I'm not a great driver on dry pavement!)  I really am not a fan now but you know what? Some of the best memories from my childhood took place in the winter months.

Need I even mention Christmas?  Time off school... Gifts under the tree...spending time with family...the festive foods...the cookies...what wasn't to like, as a kid?

But my acceptance of winter, years ago, went deeper than loving Christmas.  Maybe it was that my Dad was a lover of all things winter and we were "recruited" to join him at an early age.  Back when "liability" wasn't a concern of the city, Potter's Park was opened for sled riding and ice skating..they even furnished a fellow to keep a campfire going, so we could warm ourselves. So on weekends, if it was cold enough or there was snow, we'd pile into the car and head to Potter's.   When we got cold, we'd huddle around the fire, and to this day, I can't smell the aroma of a campfire and not think of my dear winter-lovin' Dad or the fun we had on those winter days.    

Having a day off of school because of snow was probably another reason I tolerated winter years ago.  Snow days weren't that frequent, probably because most of us walked to school and safety, where busses were concerned, wasn't a consideration.  But when there WAS snow, I remember waking up early and huddling around our radio, hoping that our school's name would be announced.   If it was, we'd haul out the heavy coats, mittens and boots (not the fashionable boots of today but ugly black things with those awful buckles!) and head outside.  We'd take turns, pulling each other on the sled...have impromptu  snowball fights... and when the fun was over, (or someone got hurt) Mom had hot chocolate waiting for us.  I remember that those days went a lot faster than the ones we spent in school.

Now, the winter nights find me bundled up in an old-lady robe, checking the thermostat frequently, convinced that hubby has changed it again. Where have the years gone and when did I get so...not young?

I know that one of the benefits of having so many winters behind me is that I appreciate things more.  Christmases, friends, good times...even winter.  But ice skating's probably a memory...so is sled riding....almost every day is "a day off"...  I miss the fun that came with winter, as a kid.  But I'm thinking, that watching the Winter Olympics is a smarter (albeit safer) option these days...now where's that robe?

I Resolve To....

Well, we've said good bye to another year.  It was a good one but they're all good, really.  Every year, I'm one of those optimists who look at the New Year as an opportunity to change...  and every year I wonder why I even bother.  

I have such great intentions to just tweak something that will make me a better person or make our house run better.  Am I the only one who does this anymore?

Past years, (about 35 of 'em) I resolved to quit smoking.  I finally tamed that beast but it had nothing to do with New Year's resolutions.  Every year, I resolve to lose weight and it took the wedding of a son, not a new year's resolution, to get that done.  Keeping it off may take another resolution, though...

Getting our finances in shape is always one of my goals.  I thought I could save some money by cutting back some at the grocery store.  That plan gets sabotaged when hubby decides to tag along, and his resolution- to eat better- trumps mine.  And everybody knows to eat healthy costs more than eating the junky stuff.

Last year, I resolved to be nicer to people.  About one week in, I snapped at hubby, for no reason (is there ever really a reason?) he asked "How's that being nice to people working out for you?" I didn't make it a week!

I haven't decided if I'm going to partake in the resolution thing this year or not.  I don't drink (much) so I can't resolve to quit drinking...the aforementioned smoking habit is a thing of the past....the weight thing is going to be a work in progress ALWAYS... so I guess I'm back to resolving to be nice to folks again... Can I beat my old record of one whole week?  It's not looking good....

Happy New Year!  I hope 2014's a year of many blessings for all of us!